This month’s post is very difficult to write. It is not because I lack gratitude this month. In fact, I have felt a profound sense of gratitude. It is difficult because February was a month full of mourning for me. I had two different experiences that made my heart feel deep sorrow.
The first was the passing of our friend, M. When we were at the funeral in Boston, there was almost a palpable sense of loss in the room. We all sensed an emptiness where M once was. The interesting part of the funeral was the contrast between that emptiness and the incredible hope that surrounded his death. Even friends that do not believe in an afterlife saw a flicker of hope as they longed to see their friend again. The two feelings were overwhelming.
The second experience is a little more personal and a little more difficult to describe. About two weeks ago, I reconnected with an old friend. He was my best friend in high school and the first few years of college. He saw me through some very difficult times. He was one of the constants that helped me figure out my own spiritual destiny – if I can say it that way. During his mission for our church, his letters helped lay the ground work for my testimony and my subsequent mission. I am incredibly grateful for his influence in my life. This is why I felt such a profound loss when he told me he no longer attends church. I acknowledge his right to choose his own path and do feel glad that he is happy with his choices. However, it can’t stop me from the feelings of disappointment and despair – mourning, if you will – that have clouded my heart since I read his email. I suppose all those feelings are because it is not how I thought life would go for him. I am not so naïve as to think that everything in life should go the way I think it should. It is just that it pains me to think that he no longer shares the path that he helped set me on. I am as sure of my path as I think he is of his. I am deeply saddened it is not the same path.
In a few weeks or a few months, my heart will fill the holes left in it by these two experiences with laughter and joy. I won’t feel the sting of grief as much as I do now. I will see sunshine and smiles. The pain will fade away but a small scar will appear to always remind me of this past month. The experience with M’s death will remind me to cherish this life and those I love. It will remind me that showing kindness to someone during their dark moments is what binds hearts together and can change lives. The experience with my friend from high school will remind me that a testimony is never safe. It must be constantly nurtured and guarded. It will also remind me that love is not bound by the choices someone else makes. I can still love my friend for everything he brought into my life regardless of whether he shares my spiritual path. One day I will look back at these moments with intense gratitude. I will see these lessons and thank Heavenly Father for His great mercy in letting me go through it. My heart aches now but I know it won’t always.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing these things. I've had a similar experience as yours with your high school friend. It has been a decade now for me and everytime I attend the temple I put my friend's name on the prayer roll. I keep praying that one day he'll remember what he felt and at one time knew was true. I appreciate what you said, though, about guarding our testimonies and about loving people just the same. Thanks.
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