Saudades

I happened upon a Spanish movie on television a few weeks ago. I didn’t really pay attention to what the movie was about or what the actors were saying. I just sat there fixated on the accent. The way the actors spoke; their use of the “zeta” in place of the soft “c” sound; their cadence. It left me feeling something that can only be described in Portuguese – saudades. Saudades does not translate well into English. It is nostalgia but really more. It is “to miss something or someone” but not really. It is a longing. Saudades is all of those things and more. It is a powerful feeling that cannot be defined, only felt.

As I dropped AJP off at school today, I saw something that made me think about saudades and my experience with the Spanish movie. One of the security guards was listening to another security guard on his radio. I could not understand a word of what was spoken. It was all a garbled mess of static and language. However, it was undeniably Paulistano Portuguese. At that moment, I knew that I would feel saudades for this accent of Portuguese. I couldn’t help but think as I walked back to our house how many things I feel saudades for. The sky was cloudy and it was sprinkling rain. I felt saudades for Colombia and when it was “llovisnando”. I thought about Wyoming where I grew up and how, only now, do I understand the song “Home, home on the range.” I felt saudades for the open spaces and clear skies. There are so many people and things I feel saudades for. I think, in the end, that is my definition of heaven – when all the saudades don’t have to be saudades any more.