Goodbye

When the phone rang Thursday night at 10:00 pm, JTP knew it was probably M. JTP had been trying to get in touch with M since I had read the blog post by his wife, K, on Sunday evening. M is about to lose his battle with pancreatic cancer. We knew the time was close when he entered hospice the end of last year but until I read K’s blog post on acceptance, we did not know how close. We had been planning a trip to Boston to visit M in April. We did the math and thought that April would be early enough since the average stay in hospice care is about six months. I don’t think he will make it to April.

When I answered the phone that night, I heard a weak, aged voice on the line. M sounded ancient – like someone in their 80’s. My heart broke a little. I quickly passed the phone over to JTP. They talked about the Red Sox and good times together. Then M asked JTP if he had any advice for a dying man. JTP had to put the phone down. He almost couldn’t answer. All he could say was how much he valued M’s friendship.

Starting almost nine years ago, M and K became angels to us at some of the most difficult times. I remember I was about to give birth to AJP and had not had a baby shower. It bothered me more than I let on but did not want to ask someone to give it for me. Then one Sunday, K offered to give me one. We were friends but not necessarily the type of friends that throw baby showers for each other so when she offered, I remember my heart saying a little prayer of thanksgiving. The night after the baby shower AJP was born – three and a half weeks early. I was so overwhelmed and unprepared. All I did was cry after we left the hospital. My mom wasn’t coming into town for a day or two but K rushed over and did my dishes and cleaned up my house. Later when AJP was still a baby and JTP had a new law practice, M and K became his first clients. Their faith in him helped more than I can describe. During those difficult years, M was also a source of peace to JTP. Speaking with M made JTP feel better than anyone else ever did. M and K were angels sent by God to comfort and help us in our times of need. And now, we find ourselves a little lost not knowing exactly how to return the favor. M is about to pass out of this life and we aren’t sure what type of help to offer. It seems that all we can do is pray.

I was in the shower Friday morning replaying my conversation with K and JTP’s with M when I broke down and wept. I kept thinking about how K had switched to the singular. She spoke about us visiting her in the next year or she would come with her kids to visit us. I was not sure why that bothered me so much. I think maybe K was preparing herself to live a life without M and it broke my heart. I don’t know why my heart would break. I believe in an afterlife. I believe that M and K created an eternal family that death will not destroy. I believe we will all see each other again. So why am I so sad with such a hopeful view of M’s future? I have realized that I was crying in part for the angel he was in our life, in part because of the hole that will be missing when he is gone and in part for K whose heart will feel the most empty. I am crying as a way to say goodbye.